I think it’s a crock. Why? Because unless your partner was illegally deviant with previous partners or their sexual history and ‘numbers’ are still showing up while in a committed relationship (notice I said committed, FWB and casual daters have no rights) it really has nothing to do with the dynamics of your current relationship. Raven, agreed if she’s committed, it won’t change anything. Three years later, your guess is as good as mine on how many women my partner has bed. He answered all the important questions in my book. Are you awesome? Do you get my sense of humor? Do you love my crazy ass? Yes. We’re good. Another said before any commitment, the number determines whether said woman get’s queen treatment.

If your partner is the bees knees, great person, everything you want from a relationship then you find out later on (again, when is the right time to ask ‘so hey how many people have you slept with’) their number is ‘high’ which is completely subjective, does that mean any potential of love has now met its demise? I feel it’s important to those men with aforementioned Madonna-Whore complexes as well as those with machismo ego issues, but that’s another post for another day. One who commented on this topic spat guys who don’t ask questions “be saving hoes. Call me what you want, but I’m not saving no hoe.” Grammatical structure aside, I’m still left unsure at how one’s historical number reflects their present-day character.

Let’s be frank, a woman’s 10 partners is not judged the same as a man’s 10. We already know that men are afforded more *ahem* wiggle room in the realm of budoir belt notches so the rigid criterion women are held to seems to be a losing game for all those who choose to participate in this numbers scheme. I personally don’t ask or care to ask, because even if one had relations with 500 people, the real question is have you been tested and what are the results, because those are the only answers that will affect me and my livelihood. Some folks prefer to wrangle with perceptions and appearances and imposed one-tracked ways of thinking without examining what actually matters. What if one embraced free love then decided to slow down or become celibate? What if one had few partners or none and is an awful person who maims animals and is a Kevin Hart fan? What holds more weight, character or bedroom romps? How do you, yourself want to be judged? If you applied your same number rules to yourself, does it come out square?

Are you holding yourself to the same standards and behavior that you desire in a partner? Is the person you deemed a ‘Jezebel’ because of assumed sexual promiscuity any less of a good person, productive member of society, mother, sister, son, brother or partner? Does this number signify who the person is today? What is your line for ‘virtuous human made in God’s perfect image’ (you’re fornicating by the way) versus ‘filthy harlot’? Who makes the line? Do you make exceptions? Are you focusing on this because someone else told you it’s important? There’s so many questions and I need answers. To all of them because I’m not into asking ones that ultimately don’t matter.

I saw the first episode and laughed a few times. It was pretty dead-on portrayal from what I have encountered from girls I knew like them. And these ‘girls’ weren’t just white, they were a spectrum of colors. Contrary to what some folks have said, I don’t think the show is about ‘white people problems,’ I do think the show is about White people. Again. I watched the ‘Girls’ pilot episode in the same way I watched ‘Sex and the City.’ For entertainment and laughs, wondering Oh my Gawd, there are actually women who act like this? LMAO!

THESE are the girls I occupy my time with

I don’t generally expect to see myself or life or diversity for that matter, in media. The Asian intern and the Black homeless man in the first episode were actually pleasant surprises. Kelly McClure berated people for the “need for a television show to mirror your life.” That’s very easy to say when white is the norm. It was the norm on all these supposed amazing sitcoms, ‘Friends,’ ‘Seinfield,’ ‘Frasier,’ ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ so of course it should continue to be the norm, right? No one raised any flags to complain about the aforementioned shows so Dunham is being unfairly targeted and while I can agree it’s not reason enough for anyone to remain mum on their disappointment. Last year on twitter, writer, Jamilah Lemieux tweeted about people who argue why aren’t there any ‘White woman’ magazines? She said there are white woman magazines, they’re called Cosmo, Elle, and Vogue. I’ve heard critiques about race-specific media as being ‘racist’ and since they exist, no one should complain. The truth is there would be no need for them if media was inclusive and representative, it is not. Race-specific media was made after that fact. White is the norm. Media at large is White. Just accept it right? Don’t hate the player, hate the game. The white factor isn’t why the show and everyone involved with it can kick rocks with no shoes on. I don’t expect much from the industry, it’s how they, and defenders handled the critique.

As this guy who is genuinely concerned about white people and believes Dunham is being “attacked for no good reason” explains, you Black folks really really shouldn’t hate on Lena because she totally wants to be Black because she’s overweight and no respectable white woman would ever let herself succumb to ‘Black’ concepts of beauty unless she valued you. LOL Problem solved! What in all of the inane logic? I am still holding out hope ‘The New Yorker’ to comes back and says “just kidding, it was a prank guys!” ‘Girls’prolific writer, Lesley Arfin, cited ‘Precious’ and laments how she isn’t represented so it’s even. Ta-nehisi Coates asks do we “really want black characters rendered by the same hands that rendered that tweet. Invisibility is problematic. Caricature is worse.” Truth. But what is a “Black character” anyway? Characters are characters. Another defender cited Tyler Perry. Funny, because I don’t see myself represented in either example and lots of other brown people don’t either. I never fit the Black or Latina stereotype and was accused of being ‘white’ and an ‘oreo’ and getting my ‘Black card’ pulled so much, I never even got to see what it looked like. It didn’t bother me much, because it confused me more. A person’s identity and ultimately life and life experience, isn’t what society and the media manufactures their color as. Admittedly, I didn’t even know the ‘angry black woman’ was a thing until a few years ago, because the only bitter, unpleasant women I had ever come in contact with were white soccer moms and substitute teachers.

I’m not the universal representation for first generation Americans, child of immigrant parents from Latin America. I am one person. There are many who are similar to me but there is no one exactly like me. I have never come across an accurate or even ballpark accurate reflection of me or my family or friends in the media. In any media. Not in White American media, not in Black American media, not in Spanish language media. If the media who is controlled by people who look like me, or may be culturally similar to me, can’t even get it right, we shouldn’t be surprised when White American media doesn’t. The closest was the Nickolodeon show Taina, but that show got canceled. Heh. Ugly Betty was a show where characters of color were allowed to transcend their usual stereotypes. But that show got canceled. Heh. The only shows I can watch with no qualms is ‘Scandal’ and “Game of Thrones.’ (I watched for Drago and I stayed for the imp). I had to stop watching Fox’s ‘The New Girl’ because the majority White characters harped mercilessly on the Indian characters ethnicity ie-’Looks like I’m having Indian every week’ among other unfunny unnecessary references to her heritage. Then the ‘token Black guy’ was made to singing a ‘Negro spiritual’ in another episode. You can’t feign diversity on a show then spend a third of the time having your white characters reduce your only characters of color to stereotypes and soft slurs. Pass.

Gawker’s, Max Read wrote Dunham said the show’s whiteness was a ‘complete accident’ was ‘telling.’ I have to ask exactly what was it telling? That if you are not a person of color you’re not concerned about color? That everyone born in this country has to learn about White European history in schools, (while non-white disciplines continuously get cut) adhere to White standards of beauty and live their life constantly making sure whites are comfortable and not suspicious of them? While whites have the luxury of never having to learn or even think about anything non-white if they don’t want to? Because as you should know by now silly coloreds, only white people get to be a insecure, spoiled brats on HBO, or rich, or educated, or addicted to fashion, (Drug addiction is for the non-whites to play to clear up any confusion) or awkward, or vulnerable, or skinny, quirky, shallow, intelligent, hungry, confident, sad, or liberated and non-whites are relegated to being ‘phony token Black Rhodes Scholars,’ Precious or Tyler Perry caricatures? America’s obsession with misrepresentation ensures that we are not in fact ‘post-racial.’ (who was responsible for this term anyway, I need names)

It’s absurd that we can’t talk about race when this country was built up on that very premise and on the backs of people who are judged and ultimately oppressed by this social construct. America as a country is grappling with the ramifications of that. We have a Black president so by virtue of his position everyone in this country automatically judges folks on the content of their character. A nation-wide change of heart and attitudes with just the changing of the Presidential figurehead? Right. Those Hunger Games tweets should have put it all to bed by now especially since this is the younger generation who has these warped ideas. These aren’t old Confederate flag rocking chair racists. Thinking we went from a society that was formed and is still being driven by color to now this magical colorblind meritocracy society is a joke. The injustices are ingrained. Now anyone who brings up race is ‘race-baiting.’ (This just in, this country took that bait hundreds of years ago.) Now any time one points out instances of racism, they are counterproductive or playing a ‘race card.’ Tell me when has that card ever NOT been in play? I’ll wait.

Editor, of Multicultural Familia and Bi-cultural Mom, Chantilly Patino pointed out, “in this country if you are white, you don’t even have to talk to anyone who isn’t white if you don’t want to.” Chantilly talks a lot about white privilege and the backlash she gets from others about talking about it. It’s not about promoting ‘white guilt’ or ‘reverse-racism’ which doesn’t exist by the way, it’s either racism or it’s not. It’s about stepping outside of the lies, stereotypes and denial that we have been fed.

Like the co-worker that thought we could relate and were similar because her mother cleaned the houses of rich, Jewish women in Buffalo because you know, Black and/or Latino means poor. It was a pity that my suburban upbringing shattered any hopes of becoming besties since her assumption was based on nothing besides a pre-conceived notion— which was formed based on what? I have a story and so do millions of others who look like me and don’t look like me. I have learned, like so many others, a very long time ago to not depend on others to tell my narrative. They won’t. And will never get it right. But that doesn’t mean that’s where it stops. And just for the record, I’m tired about reading and talking about this show, I’d rather do what Dunham did and work on my own.

My favorite green smoothie: Romaine, strawberries, bananas, carrots

After reading Victoria Boutenko’s book ‘Green for Life,’ I started incorporating green smoothies sporadically into my diet. The book is about blending (not juicing) leafy greens and fruits to get all the vitamins and proteins in the fibrous greens. The author studied chimps and observed their diet was majority leaves and posits humans would benefit from a similar diet since we are 99.4% related to chimps. The point is to consume two pounds of dark leafy greens daily. My favorite smoothie always involved strawberries and the book recommends to keep the green tops on. After reading, I’d have a green drink a few times a month but never on a daily basis. That all changed last week after watching the movie ‘Fat Sick and Nearly Dead,’ and the trailer for ‘Forks Over Knives.’

My Bikram yoga obsession of 2011 turned me off to red meat, so that it wasn’t a consistent part of my diet. I also cut out milk and eggs about 6 months ago from a natural repulsion that overcame me one day. If I want cereal, I buy almond milk. I don’t get a craving for red meat, eggs, or milk since cutting them out. The film ‘Forks Over Knives,’ “examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting animal-based and processed foods.”

So after watching an over 100 pound overweight man who took countless pills a day, lose tons of weight and virtually off his medication within two months of only drinking green smoothies, in ‘Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, I resolved to do the same! I cheated the first day and decided instead of doing the juice-only reboot, I’d do an 80% green smoothie diet from now on. Any food I consumed would be in the form of a salad and protein restricted to seafood. The allowance made the diet easier to maintain and lessened my chances of binging. I have started sprinkling flaxseed in my green smoothies, yogurt. Flaxseed is a great source of fiber, Omega-3 essential fatty acids and lignans all very good for you. Don’t go too overboard, a 2 tablespoon serving is 60 calories. Flaxseed is easy to find at any grocery store, I get mine from Trader Joe’s.

Once you start eating more greens, your body craves more green, trust me. I am a certified chocolate addict and sweet tooth fiend. Just be patient after a couple days, you won’t even think about the junk that you’re better off without anyway. The biggest positive for one with an active lifestyle is no more slaving over a hot open stove! No cooking! Fast and easy meals! You really can’t beat this with a bat. Today is Day 6 of this new 80% green for life change and it is a small triumph for me. I’m taking it one day at a time and I think that’s the best way to go. The goal is less animal products (meat, dairy, eggs) less sugar, less carbs and WAY more green! Watch how to make a green smoothie without a overpriced Vitamix.

Here’s some Low-Carb meal ideas Green for Life ideas and Low-Carb Sweet Cheats.

The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world and if we are going to see real development in the world, then our best investment, is women. -Desmond Tutu

The subtitle ‘Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide’ explains the content of the book but it doesn’t prepare the reader for the heart-wrenching tales of oppression endured by women from all over the globe. These tales are of resiliency, phenomenal strength and a true will to live and flourish under harrowing circumstances. I urge everyone to read this book. It will change your perspective, if not your life. The multi-part documentary series based on the bestselling book by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, will air on PBS October 1st & 2nd, 2012, and internationally in 2013.

The series follows Kristof and celebrity activists America Ferrera, Diane Lane, Eva Mendes, Meg Ryan, Gabrielle Union and Olivia Wilde as they travel throughout the developing world to introduce women and girls who are living under some of the most difficult circumstances imaginable—and fighting bravely to change them. With an introduction by George Clooney and incisive analysis led by WuDunn and a host of other experts including Hillary Clinton, Desmond Tutu, Madeleine Albright and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the series features intimate, dramatic and immediate stories of struggle that reflect viable and sustainable options for empowerment and offer an actionable blueprint for transformation.

Kissa Star is the founder and director of Buttafly Unltd., a brand of accessories, hats, scarves and statement tees. One particular statement has stood out loud and proud among the rest. Her ‘I Love My Hair’ tees have resonated with women and ‘I Love My Beard’ are a favorite among men. These four words proclaim a deep appreciation of self by wearing your love on your sleeve.

Kissa went natural when she was 20 after having her hair chemically relaxed since for most of her life. Her grandmother always asked what was she going to do with her hair, so she decided to make the tee affirming that her natural tresses were here to stay. “It’s a statement for me to say I love my hair without arguing…it’s a tribute to my grandma, an extension of myself.” Kissa says it’s a reminder for yourself and an affirmation because when she wears it, people point it out and say it back. Kissa then encouraged her grandmother to let her hair go gray and she did.

Buttafly Unltd. also conducts hair workshops for families. Kissa wants to educate people on how to take care of your natural hair because growing up there were no resources to learn about caring for ones own wavy, curly or kinky hair. The “easiest way to do it, was to relax it. There were no alternatives,” Kissa says. Kissa wants to build that community that was lacking when she was a child because as she recounts, taking the step to leave her chemically processed lifestyle “there was a lot of criticism but no support. No one said let me guide you.” The workshops focus on self-esteem, challenging mainstream media images of beauty and educating families on hair care and challenges. Topics also include being cognizant of saying things that “evoke a hair complex.” Off-handed comments like “your hair is so hard to handle,” or expressions of frustration when doing a child’s hair,  have a negative psychological effect. The children make their own shirts where they fill in what they love. “I want the kids to remember to be empowered.”

I asked Kissa if the natural hair movement is divisive. She said there are different “levels” of ‘naturalness’ that people use to categorize others. Whether you dye your hair or ever put heat to it or press or blow it out. “People always have preferences and find like minds”  but you “always have to be your own person.” Growing up, she could “count on one hand how many people were natural” but the new movement has opened up dialogue about hair and the reasons we choose how to wear it. It also has created avenues and a space to explore how to do your hair exactly how you were born with it.

His friend finally came down and told the bouncer he was good. Before he could go in, he had to leave his phone with the bouncer. He argued and protested but that was the protocol, no phones, no cameras, no evidence. They went in and there were about 25 strippers dancing and entertaining the rowdy men. He described it as an interactive show, with a DJ and an MC. One stripper announced one lucky fellow can have sex with her, no charge. Christian co-worker jumped at the chance and obliged her as everyone looked on. The party continued. Blow jobs averaged $40, sex went for $80. Lap dances galore and touching was welcomed. He said it was better than a strip club because here, you named your own price for a wall or lap dance. It was a strip club with lax rules.

According to the attendee, all women were of age and some did these parties as a side gig. He even met a nurse that did the parties for thrills. He was mistaken for a pimp, one of the women asked “So who’d you bring?” He said “No one.” She said “Oh you’re not a pimp” He noticed the pimps had on low hats with a lot of jewelry, multiple chains, watches, rings, dark sunglasses and their cell phones.

He left after a few hours after a few lapdances, he denied any sexual encounters. Christian co-worker stayed until the end after several encounters. On Monday, they recounted the experience. Christian co-worker was amped that there was finally had one in New York. After discovering the lockdown parties in Atlanta, Christian co-worker was longing for one in New York where he lived, he’s been to a few and always enjoyed himself. According to the anonymous stranger it’s pretty common and the crowd was a diverse mix of married, single and involved men. To get the location, you had to go through a different inter and intranet portals online. Passwords and extreme veiled secrecy makes sure all remains mum. No paper trail, no evidence. Locked airtight.

“The video’s purpose is to celebrate female beauty, pointing the attention on same sex/interracial love,” director Francesco Carrozzini said. “We approached it with simplicity, trying to make the images speak for themselves in the arch of the very simple story told.” What do you think?

It was a fling, a stupid fling and it was only because he was hot. That’s it. I was searching for something to fill the void I felt that I couldn’t in my own relationship. He wasn’t worth the pain. I self-sabotaged, I fumbled, I didn’t cover my tracks and I did all the signature hiccups a more experienced smooth operator would scoff at. I never meant for either men to find out but the one that actually mattered, did.Can a relationship ever recover after someone has gone astray? Eva Mendes’ in the movie ‘Last Night‘ speaks on having the best year of her relationship after her infidelity was found out.

I can attest that it is possible to recover from it. It takes honesty and patience. The same honesty and patience that wasn’t extended that would have prevented the transgression in the first place. In our case, the impasse that we were in warranted an explosion to get past and a lot of good came from that horrible time. Could it have been avoided? Could our issues and problems been worked out without that dirty cheating stain? Maybe. We’ll never know. The important part is when it’s all out in the open both parties realize exactly what they want to do with the information and whether their partnership is worth saving, whether the infidelity negates what they have or had, if it is worth the effort to repair or is their time better spent going separate ways. What is healthy for you separately and collectively?

Forgiveness is a work in progress but as simply put ‘That’s life.’ We’re human, we make mistakes, we do stupid, stupid shit, we hurt people, we love people, we know something is fucked up and we still do it-twice, someone forgives you- or they don’t, that’s their prerogative, everything happens for a reason, life is amorphous, we learn, we grow, we know better for next time. It won’t be perfect but what is important is that you keep moving. You have to face the ‘now what?’ head on. You have to work together, grow together and build together. It can only be better when both individuals are all in the second time around.